Reaching for the Stars

God has provided, as he always does. I am not only back at school but having an upside down wonderful kind of session. Everything is just as hard, maybe harder even.

But I am not fearful.

I have a sort of fire in my veins. Powerful, strong, crazy, and beautiful all at once. It drives me onward even on my darkest days.

I guess it really all kind of hit me when I got my notice to attend a meeting next month. A meeting for seniors. That is what I am now. A senior. However do I wrap my head about that? I have been going to school nearly my whole life and now... now I am almost done. Just over a year to go. What? How?

I can't answer either of those questions. But somehow, past the pain, the tears, the cancer, the financial problems, I ended up here. Surely, this was no accident. No freak alignment of the stars. I was driven to this place for a reason, for a purpose.

Perhaps I was created for such a time as this.

That is the fire that drives me. The knowledge that I did not just "end up" at this college and I did not just "end up" with my passion for teaching. And so, when it is hard, when I don't want to crawl out of my bed in the morning, I remember that this was no accident.

I was created for such a time as this.

And so, dear reader, were you. You are where you are for a very good and specific reason. Maybe you can't see it now, but you were not given what you got so you could end now. You didn't come this far to only come this far. Please do not give up. Do not hesitate. Do not second guess yourself. God has a plan, one that reaches way beyond yours.

My new normal is teaching me that I don't have to find the plan, the plan will find me for this is the time for which I was created.


–Rachael

Picking Up and Moving On

As I start my last full year of college, I am startled by how much I still think about cancer. On a good day, it might just be a small reminder: my short hair, a leg cramp. On a bad day, which thankfully happen less and less often, I am assaulted by past feelings and can become bitter and angry in a flash for things that happened to me years ago. 

But not all memories tied to that time are bad. For the first time in my life, I really do feel like I am picking up and moving on. I am known by many people at college not because of cancer, but because of my major, or where I live, or what I am interested in. They know and like me for me, not for what I have been. I am leaving that chapter behind me once and for all.

Not for good, though. I could never completely rid myself of that as that time is as much a part of who I am as any other time. Nor do I want to forget what happened to me for that was when I found my strength. I am leaving behind the bad, and I am applying the good.

And my word does it feel freeing.

With cancer comes so much emotional baggage. With that baggage comes a unique perspective. No matter what I am facing I remind myself of this truth: I have already done the hardest thing I will ever do. If I can do cancer, I can do anything.

Tonight we were talking in class about what will happen after graduation. I have wanted to be a teacher for so long that I have been secretly afraid that I might not be good enough and then I won't know what to do. All the education classes in the world can't make you a good teacher or else we would have no bad ones. What if I don't have the knack for it? What if I am just not made to be a teacher?

My professor eased some of my fears when she said that the job I get after college will probably not be the job I have for the rest of my life. And I may not even end up working in the field I think I will. Maybe I will end up somewhere using my degree in ways I never thought I could. And that is okay. That doesn't make my degree any less important because I didn't get my "dream job." 

If I can do cancer, I can do anything.

Maybe on my way to that dream I will get lost and find a new one. A better one. A dream with a job and a place I didn't even know was real.

The future isn't set in stone, I should know this better than most. 

My new normal is teaching me that new dreams are found around every corner. And that picking up and moving on is okay so long as I don't forget the strength I have found along the way.

––Rachael

Stop Doing and Start Being

Such an odd and beautiful thing happened when I was driving home from Bible study the other night. The amazing part was it happened the week before as well. A brilliant lighting storm lit up the sky from east to west. And yet I didn't hear any thunder. And to top it off, the sky to the south was clear and the crescent moon hung like the Cheshire cat's smile in the sky. 

I couldn't believe it happened the first time. And when it happened again, with the moon and everything, I just watched it all in awe. 

I know God can and has done things much more amazing than a lightning show with his power, but seeing that was a good reminder to me. He is able to do so much more than I can ask or imagine. 

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I miss my friends, I miss school. I didn't get the job I wanted for the summer and I am not sure how I will be able to afford school in the fall. My parents have not been very understanding about the whole thing and think it is somehow my fault. I have felt very useless just sitting at home and babysitting once a week. School was so full of action. But now my life is quiet. And the quiet is suffocating me. 

But God is trying to teach me something in this time of stillness. Why do I, again and again, doubt because of where I happen to be at in life? Why do I stress and think I need to have it all together by myself? Since when has anything I have done been on my own?

All I can do is what I have been doing my whole life: rest in the arms of the one who holds the future. 

Why do I try to break away and do things on my own? Why do I try my best when I know my best will never be enough? 

Why do I keep fighting battles when God had already won the war?

I need to just rest and be and lay the rest down at the feet of God. I do not exist for me but to share the Grace and Love of God. And breathe. That is it.

My new normal is teaching me that I need to stop doing and start being. And that sometimes I find God more deeply in the dry times than in the storms.

-Rachael

I Have Come This Far

Guess what today is. Go on. Guess. Today is a year. One whole year.

A year ago today, I had my last spinal tap, my last chemo treatment, and my chest port was removed.

TADA!

Today was the day I decided I wanted to write a blog to help me figure out this what this whole "new normal" thing was all about. Here we are.

I can not express the joy vibrating from my soul. The realization hit me all at once about an hour ago and I haven't stopped smiling since.

I remember the day so well it is hard to believe it was a year ago. I ordered a big sign that said "I WON!" on it and took it with me to the hospital. I took pictures with every doctor, nurse, and family member in sight. I couldn't stop smiling then either.

I was so excited I was bouncing in the waiting room. I hadn't eaten or drank anything because of the surgery but that didn't bring down my energy level. I cried when I thanked my oncologist and nurse practitioner for all their hard work and love through this hard time.

I cried again when they led me into surgery. I hugged my mom and could hardly gasp out this words, "This is it! We are done!" The doctors said they have never seen someone so excited for surgery. I have never been so excited to be cut open in my whole life! Or really anything, actually. They were taking it out of me. They were removing the stupid port that gave me an ugly scar on my chest and forced me to sleep funny.

It was like being unplugged. Like some sort of invisible string had attached me to cancer and the port was the last thing holding me back.

I remember waking up, groggy, but happy. I lay in my drug addled bliss for who knows how long smiling dumbly at the tiled ceiling. It was over. It was done.

Few memories from my cancer days give me joy. I am so pleased I get to remember this one. It is fixed forever in my mind.

My new normal means looking back to see just how far I have come.

-Rachael

Finding My Footing

I have been searching for a while, as this blog shows, to find just what my new normal is. I know it is not the same life I had before but just how it was different I have struggled with. I am still me on this side of cancer, after all. I still love reading, sunshine, and anything covered in glitter.

So what has changed? Well, just about everything, actually.

My entire outlook is different. Reading back on the past year of posts I can see myself trying to form that into words. How I look out these windows I call eyes has changed just as the view has. What my life is, was, and will be has altered all because I almost died.

Sometimes, when I am really happy, right in the middle of a laugh with friends or dancing in the rain or belting out my favorite song as it comes on the radio, I get sad. I get sad because I know it won't last. The sadness settles around my heart changes the way I see the moment.

I used to see this as a bad thing. I hated that even my lovely moments were being stolen from me. Didn't I deserve all the beautiful moments I could possibly find?

But then, perhaps it isn't really sadness that comes over me.

It is perspective.

I know bad, painful, hard times will come and it jabs like a knife. But in that moment, I am happy. That flash of perspective makes me laugh and dance and sing all the harder. Makes me grab onto the memory and hold tight with both hands. I will never let those moments go because I know how special they are.

Life can be very dark and painful; sunshine is a rare thing. I want to fill my days with as much sunshine as I can collect. And I want to share that sunshine with others. I want to laugh more and love deeper and speak all the kindness I can. My own darkness has made me realize that everyone is a little broken, everyone has shadows. I do not want to contribute to those shadows. I want people to remember me and think of sparkles. I want them to remember the time I made them laugh and the fun we had. I want them to know I am there for them when times get hard.

Finding my footing in this new normal means helping others find theirs. I don't have so much to bring to this life despite my cancer; I have so much to bring because of it. It sounds super cliche, I know, but I would not have seen the sunshine so well without the rain. And I certainly did not appreciate that sunshine so much as I should.

My new normal means helping others thrive as I am (slowly) learning to. Nobody should have to go through cancer just to live and love life to the fullest.

-Rachael

Walk On Water

Life has a funny way of always being a struggle. I know well of deep hurts and everyday struggles in this life. I feel like I have just weathered the last storm, just had time to fix my sails and take a deep breath, when the next storm hits. 

School costs more than I thought.

Some old chemo side effects came back

I need to take a different class next session but it conflicts with another class I need.

Old fears resurfaced. 

I am going to have to stay an extra semester at school (anticipated graduation date is now December 2017).

I don't have time for a job but I need money.

All of those things happened in just the last month alone. I can tell you I have done my fair share of crying about them. I have asked, no, begged God to calm the storm around me. I can't move on, I thought, I can not keep going until these storms are calmed. My boat can do nothing in these tossing waves.

But here is the thing about storms in life, they don't need to be calmed for me to keep moving forward. Sometimes, God doesn't want me to stay in the boat anymore, he wants me to get out and walk on the waves. But why would I even consider walking on water if I have a boat to sail with? In reality, I wouldn't. During the good times, when the sea is calm, I am most content to stay in my boat and sail on.

Yet during a storm, I have but two options if I want to keep moving forward: wait for God to calm the sea, or step out onto the water. And to be honest, I hate the moment I realise this storm I am in isn't going to end anytime soon. That God's lack of answer to my problem, is my answer. He wants me to witness something far more miraculous that just a storm that stops. He wants me to realize that when he calls me out of the boat, he intends to teach me to walk on the water. 

That first step is the hardest, but really, there is nothing miraculous about getting out of the boat, anybody can do that. But once I let go of the boat and I realized was not drowning joy filled me. Yes the storm was still going on around me. But I was doing something I never thought possible!

I asked questions and found loan money I had forgotten to sign for.

The side effects didn't keep me down and slowly melted away again.

The class I thought I needed, is no longer a requirement. And because I dug deeper and asked questions, I will get a class of my choice to substitute for it. 

God taught me through a Bible study how to face my fears head on. And now they melt away mere moments after appearing. 

Staying an extra semester means I will graduate with all of my friends instead of early by myself.

My new normal has taught me that the most amazing moments in life were not when God calmed the storm around me, but when he taught me to walk on water. 

-Rachael

Life Sentence

I am required to attend chapel three times a week at my college. Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays at 10:30 in the morning we file in and find a seat in the arena. Sometimes I sit with friends. Sometimes I sit alone. Some days the speaker is mostly there to tell us information about school and upcoming events. 

But some days we get a speaker who tells us something awesome. This week was one of those times.

Our speaker got up after the worship songs and introduced himself. He said he wanted us to think about something. He said, after we have died, people are going to talk about us. He said they will be standing around some years after I am gone and my name will come up in a conversation. And someone will say something to the effect of, "Remember Rachael? She was..." And more than likely we will only get once sentence that describes us before the conversation moves on to other things. One sentence that describes our lives. 

Just one.

My mind was reeling. What would people say about me? Would they say I was smart? Kind? Happy? Would they say I beat cancer? That I went to college to be a teacher?  That I loved to read? But the better question was:

 What did I want them to say about me?

See, I cannot really control what they said about me after I die, not really. But I can make something in my life more apparent than the others. Make my life sentence, because I may just get one, count. 

I don't know just what I want my sentence to be, but I made a list of things that I want people to remember me by. 

1. I want to be remembered for loving Jesus with all my being. Not just be a person who talked the talk. I want people to say, "Remember her? She really loved Jesus."

2. I want to be remembered for my compassion to others. Someone who goes out of her way to help and aid others in life. Even if that means crossing oceans. I want people to say, "Remember her? She was a humanitarian."

3. I want to be remembered for the girl who was scared to, but did it anyway. The girl who cried herself to sleep at night because she was so afraid to do something, only to do it the next day. I want people to say, "Remember her? She faced her fears."

4. I want to be remembered for having a full life. I don't want people to say I never took risks or never did anything new. I want people to say, "Remember her? She loved adventure and lived her life."

5. And lastly, I want to be remembered for being beautiful because of, not despite, my scars. I want people to say, "Remember her? Her past didn't design her; it transformed her."

What will your life sentence be?

-Rachael

Fast and Slow. Good and Bad.

It blows my mind some days just how short a time good things take to happen. When You are in the dark place, it feels like it will never end. It was that way when I was sick. I wondered every hour of every day, "Will this ever be over?" 

Two years sounds like a long time. Sounds like a little eternity when speaking of, or living, bad stuff. And the longer the bad stuff goes on, the less and less hope I had that good stuff could ever possibly happen again. Or if it did, it could never make up for all the bad stuff.

But what if I considered good things? Is two years a long time to be married? No. Is two years a long time to attend a college? No. Is two years even a long time to live in one spot? Not at all. My new normal is slowly teaching me that the time for something to take, is irrelevant in the long run. Will it take me longer than normal to finish school? Maybe. But in the end I will still finish. Did I devote two years of my life to getting better? Mostly. But I did and learned a lot of other things in those two years as well. 

And so I need to rethink what I call "a long time." And just because it feels like a long time, doesn't always mean it is. And the good that comes after? I didn't think it could happen so fast! I need to remember such things next time I go through a "long" hard time in my life. My next dark phase might be brighter if I just remember that good things can happen just as quickly as bad things.

I need to look out for ways that I am growing and learning in my dark times too. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I do learn more in my dark times. I know I walk closer to God. I walk so close that some days I don't let go of his hand. Some days he carries me because I have not the energy to walk on my own. And it is those days I learn the most about myself and about God. We do a lot of talking on such days. 

Maybe it is the bad that helps me better understand the good? I wish there were an easier way to do that! I wish I did not have to walk through the valley of the shadow to enjoy the sun on the other side! But maybe I do. And if it must be so, I am glad I came to see it at the age of one and twenty.

-Rachael

New Chapter

I know I reference books a LOT by saying things like, "This is a new chapter in my life story," and I do this for two reasons. One: I love books, and two: it is the truest comparison I have ever found. When I read a fiction book, one chapter might find the character in a wonderful place surrounded by love. And the next chapter all hell has broken loose and the world is coming to an end.

My life has been like this. I had a normal, happy childhood for the most part. I had depression and anxiety in my early teens. Then, in my 18th year, I thought I had it all together. I loved my college classes, my part-time jobs were paying for everything, and I thought I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 

And then

Cancer.

That chapter of my life was way way way way way way to long. It was almost like a mini book within the story of my life. It was broken up into several sections or zones of my journey.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I now, at last feel like that chapter is over. I know I said that before, but maybe it is because I have at last started the next chapter. I am out of state, four and a half hours from home, at a college to finish my education. I am in the place I could only dream about two years ago.

I remember thinking, "I will never be done with cancer. I will never go off to school. I will never catch up with my friends." Such thoughts should not have been there. Oh, dear self, how I wish I could tell you how amazing your life will so soon be! How it was so worth the fight to be here! How you were not one bit homesick or sad when your mom left. You will only cried happy tears because today has come at last.

Happy tears are a great change.

The next chapter has begun with a smashing start.

-Rachael

Dear Self

Dear 19-year-old self,

I am so incredibly filled with joy these days that I can hardly breathe. I do not know how to describe it. I guess I never thought I could ever be this happy again. Not after cancer. Not after all of that pain. Not after all I went through in that 19th year of my life.

But old self, things do get so much incredibly better! As I said above, so much better! How, you ask? Well, you know all that pain you are in? I can not say it has gone away entirely, but I can tell you that it no longer controls your life. You will have bad days but your good days will more than make up for it. You won't even be on prescription pain meds in two years!

Now about your hair, darling, I am sorry you must go without until the end of October. But that dream you have now? That one about haveing hair for Christmas? It will come true. You will have a cute little cut. And don't despair when it starts to curl worse than a poodle and you can't do anything with it. The curl will grow out. And in just two years time, you will be able to put your hair up in your favorite hair style. And it will make you cry you are so happy.

Pills and chemo consume your life now, but not soon. In October, you will stop the real nasty stuff and most of your energy will come back. But don't get too frustrated when you are not all you think you can be for the year and a half after that. You are still fighting battles that nobody can see. Give yourself some peace and rest and don't push yourself too hard. The time to be better will come.

You told your mom just the other day that you, "might as well be dead," until your chemo was over. But that isn't true. You will do some awesome things. You will get to give a speech that will inspire others to fight cancer. And you will get to dress up like your favorite princess and have little girls follow you around all day.

And self? Some days you are going to want to give up. You will cry in despair and wish for it to end. You will think of the limbs of your body you would give up for it just to be over NOW. But you can't rush these things. Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. Pass the time how you can, knowing that it will be worth it. There is a life after cancer, dear one. And it is awesome.

-Rachael

Hello August

Our county fair always starts the last week of July and ends in the first week of August. I looked forward to it every year growing up because I was in 4-H and that meant we got to show off our projects at the fair. We also got to go on rides and eat fair food.

For me at least, the county fair was like the last good story of the summer before August became the bookend to my summer. August is when school starts (I still can not believe I am leaving in just two weeks!) August is when the warm weather cools down. August is the last chance to get that summer bucket list done.

Some people get sad around this time, but not me! For one, I really like fall. It has been my favorite season for as long as I can remember. But something special happened in the fall two years ago. 

My hair started growing back. I mark the anniversary every year with a grateful prayer. I just can't believe come October I will have had my hair back for two years! I felt like I was bald for ever. Then I felt like my hair was so short forever. And then I waited forever just to be able to do a pony tail! 

So the autumn season holds a notable place in my heart. Many see it as the ending but I now hold on to it close as a beginning. A beautiful start to my new "after cancer" life. Autumn was the end of a lot of pain for me. The end.

Yep. It is official. I love endings way more than beginnings!

-Rachael

So Much Wonder

This quote has never been so true! I have not the words to explain what the last three weeks of my life have been. But I shall attempt it. 

My life has been fun because camp was fun! We played so many games and laughed and sang til we lost our voices. I think the staff has more fun than the campers, honestly. We get to watch the campers play some ridiculous games and cheer them on.

My life has been wonderful because God is good. He showed me that in numerous ways while I was at camp. First, in the lives of the staff, who were all there just to serve God. Some of them get "payed" but most, like myself, were only there because God called us to be. Second, I saw it in the lives of the campers. They praised with all their heart and soul and reminded me what it was like to be a child of faith again.

My life has been awe-inspiring because I saw the work of the Lord on so many levels. Five of the campers gave their lives to the Lord. I personally got the honor of leading a girl to Christ. She was so excited, I could see the light in her eyes and it made me cry. Even now when I think about it I can hardly breathe. 

My life has been deep. So deep. So filled with learning, searching, and finding. I know why I am here now. I feel like I finally understand why my life was spared. I am here to touch others. I am here to make a difference. And I am doing that already.

I never expected to find myself when I left home. But I think I did. I think I learned that home is where the heart is, for when I got home my heart ached for the people there, and that place became home. 

I didn't want to admit the fact that I was scared of the idea of leaving for college. However, camp taught me that as long as I have people around me who love me, I don't need to worry. People are what make it home, not places.

So my new normal has taught me that I am ready to leave home because while home is feels safe, it is not the only place that I can feel at home.

-Rachael

Camp Time

This post will be short. I know I have mentioned camp at least once, but I think I forgot to mention the fact that I will be away from internet connection for the next two and one half weeks.

I will miss writing but I know I will have wonderful tales to tell. Ones filled with the grace and goodness of God.

So I will leave with this picture and quote from one of my favorite people. I often find it hard to remember that I am not a side character, I am not even a costar, in my life story. I am the Leading Lady.

Step aside world. Here I come!

-Rachael

Endings

So here we are. Another ending in my life. First, I finished community college, then I ended cancer treatments, and now I prepare for my last day at work. I have worked at the job for five years on and off. The off times came when I was too sick to be there. Yet the job always welcomed me back.

I have been thinking about all the endings in my life. People often think about endings as bad, but they are not all that way. Some are quite good. 

The best part of an ending, though? The realization that if there is an ending to one thing, there must be a beginning of another. Endings don't stop things, they start new things! As in, I stopped ignoring the call to run and I started running in May of this year. I stopped chemo and started a weird new life that is my new normal. 

And now I end my time at a job that I have both loved and hated. Loved because the people who work there are quite wonderful. Hated because the people who shop there aren't always. But through ups and down's I have learned a lot at this job, which was also my first job. I got it just one month after turning 16. Gosh, I was so young.

So I guess this is sort of another lesson cancer has taught me. Endings can be good. Though it doesn't turn out anything like I thought it would. Who could have guessed I would be leaving this job to work at a camp for 2 and a half weeks and then off to a college so great I could never have picked it for myself? Only God. 

So yes, things must come to an end. I am more thank okay with that. In fact, I am excited about that. Endings for me will always remind me of new beginnings, fresh starts, and beautiful mornings. 

Cancer taught me that nothing should be taken for granted. Not even endings.

-Rachael

What My Days Hold

I had my first post chemo check up yesterday. As my mom drove me to the cancer center I fidgeted with the wrinkles in my jean shorts and stared out the window at the clouds. I have been noticing clouds a lot more. I have been noticing a lot of things a lot more. The beauty in the sound of rain, the golden color of light, the different sounds people make when they laugh and talk. Sometimes it is like I am seeing everything for this first time.

At the cancer center, I didn't think things would be too different, but some things have changed. Normally when I get my blood drawn it is through my port, but now that I no longer have a port I get blood drawn like everyone else. This means I don't have to go into a special room at the cancer center, and sit in one of the heated recliners. I just sat in one of the blood draw chairs closer to the nurses station. 

They got my blood out with just one poke, that is not normal for me. Before, because my veins are small, they often have to poke me many times, which can include breaking a vein, before they would get it in. Not this time! My arm is only slightly sore today but that I hear is normal.

So then we went up stairs to see my doctor. I read about people who come in for post cancer check ups before, about what they think about in the waiting room. About what if the cancer came back or maybe something else could be wrong. I told myself I wouldn't think about those things. But I did.

Then the nurse called my name, I went and told them all about my life the past month and how I was no longer having chemo. They all congratulated me and told me how happy they were for me. That was when I began to relax a little.

Then my doctor came in, he seemed in high spirits so that relaxed me more. He made small talk as he turned the computer on. Then he said what I had been waiting for, "I saw your blood counts, they look good."

I can not explain the weight I exhaled.

We talked, he examined me, and he gave me a prescription for more pain meds just in case I needed them.

And then we left and had lunch with my grandmother. On the way home I noticed the clouds again. And I thought about how beautiful they must look from above and how not until just recently did anybody get to see them from above. God was making them beautiful even though nobody could see them. 

I take too much for granted in this life, my life included. I complain too much. I don't say sorry enough. And I look past beautiful things like clouds and sun sets only to see pain and darkness. 

My life isn't perfect; nobody's is. But I am blessed beyond compare.

-Rachael

Laugh Without Fear?

This verse always gets to me. Before cancer, a fear of the future was always on my mind. I was always wondering if this or that would work out. I lay awake many nights, unable to sleep, worried about the future.

But all of that changed when I leaned I had leukemia. That one mountain blocked out all the other little "problems" I thought I had.

Even now I still wonder, what does my tomorrows hold? What if the cancer comes back? How will I find the strength to fight it again?

What is this strength and dignity that the woman in the verse is clothed with? For a long time I thought that meant I needed to be strong and dignified by myself. I tried, endlessly, to be strong enough, to hold my head up, to keep going. But having my very life hanging before me made me realize the powerful truth: the strength and dignity come from God, not me. I could never be strong enough on my own.

And did you see that she is "clothed in strength and dignity"? I love that imagery. She doesn't just pick it up when she needs it. She doesn't hold on to it so that she could possibly drop it or leave it behind. She is clothed in it. It is with her wherever she goes, whatever she does, God's strength and dignity is with her, covering her. Like a shield of protection.

The woman who is clothed in God's strength and dignity does not need to fear because she doesn't have to face anything on her own. 

That is why she can laugh without fear of the future.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to not to have to be strong on my own! Some days now I wonder, what if the cancer came back? How could I fight it? I don't have to. God's strength and dignity clothe me now. If it comes back, I will have nothing to fear. If it comes or doesn't God will be with me, and that is enough. The days ahead no longer hold a ransom on me.

I am free to laugh without fear of the future.

-Rachael

Flash Back

I must be honest. I have put off writing this because it hurts. Even now the memories come crashing down on me. My fingers hesitate on the keys. But this needs to be said.

Before I had cancer, I read about PTS or post traumatic stress. It said that one of the symptoms was experiencing flash backs of the event(s). Not having experienced any great hard event in my life, I didn't think that symptom sounded as bad as the other symptoms like sleeplessness or sudden out bursts of anger.

But then I had cancer.

Memories can be so strong. The wash over me like I am standing on a boat in a storm. There is no place I can go to stay dry. If I am lucky, I only get a spray. Something I see makes me remember an unpleasant time, I frown, try to shake it off and move on with my day. However, sometimes the memories come in a wave with no warning. 

Sometimes they even happen in my sleep.

Just last night I dreamed that I was standing in front of a mirror with beautiful long hair like I used to have. I smiled at my reflection and brushed my hair behind my shoulder. I remembered the dream this morning while I was washing my hair in the shower. The whole hair thing hits me pretty hard for an odd reason. 

You see, when I first had to shave off my hair, I was devastated but I moved on as best I could. But then my mind decided to play a trick on me, using my own memory to hurt me. Did you know that the moment before you look in the mirror, your mind forms a picture of what it thinks you look like? I didn't know that either, until my hair was gone. 

I would step up to a mirror, and that image of me with hair would flash in my mind, and then I would see the real me. The me without hair. My mind would real for a moment before I realized what was happening. For a moment, it was like I was seeing myself without hair for the first time. I know my mind can not help this, but it stung in a sensitive place. 

I avoided mirrors for a long time. My mom thought it was because I didn't like how I looked without hair, but in truth I was just trying to avoid a jarring memory.

So you see, these dumb "flashbacks" happen all the time to me, and not just in front of a mirror. I donated a few of my shirts because I was very sick in the hospital while wearing them. My stomach turned when I opened my dresser drawers. I just couldn't have that.

And some times nothing in particular will trigger these thoughts. Sometimes I am just walking in the woods or sifting through Pinterest and out of nowhere I get a flashback. They are draining, hurtful, and make me want to crawl back in bed and never come out.

Yet I know I must go on. I didn't not beat cancer to be taken down by its mere memory! I am stronger than this. And if I am not, then God is stronger than this and will fight for me. I know He can not fail.

My new normal is to trust I need not fight alone.

-Rachael

It Is Time

It is easy to forget what a 21 year old should be doing. We should, in part, be having a blast during school breaks because that is the only time we get for ourselves. Last night I got to remember, and it was wonderful.

My neighbors (everyone is a neighbor in the country) threw a pool party. The air was cool but they had warmed the pool water so it didn't matter. They had glow sticks enough to make bracelets, crowns, and what ever else we could make of them. they also had a bunch of balloons filled with glow stick floating on the water. We had soda and pizza at like 11 at night. I jumped off their deck bunches of times.

The sky was so clear I could count every star. The sight stole my breath away. I had a hard time ripping my gaze off the heavens to talk to people. 

I have never been one for parties, being the introvert that I am, but at this one I had a lot of fun. The late night, with the stars and the glow sticks and all, I just couldn't help thinking these are the kinds of things I should be doing when I am 21. Not worrying over doctor visits. Not fretting about needles. Not in a constant state of think of the "what ifs" that could haunt my life. 

I guess I could have had (and did) have fun last summer, but everything felt overshadowed by my treatment. I was constantly asked, "How are you doing?" and "You are not over doing it are you?" I was the first one checked on, the first one questioned about my current condition. I do not wish to say that I should have been ignored or that I didn't think kindly on these people because they cared for me. I needed all the checking up on I could get.

But this summer... this summer I can feel things are going to be different. This summer I get to remember what it is like to be alive. My new normal is remembering that I am allowed to stay up late and have fun.

-Rachael

Because I Feel

I cried today. But it wasn't for me. I cried for a 15 year old girl who died of cancer. So young. 

I follow different people on Facebook: people who are fighting different kinds of cancer. Mostly kids and young adults. It all started when I was sick. I wanted to feel the comfort of knowing there were others fighting along side me. That there were those battling the same monsters that I was. 

Many days, it was a great encouragement. I could see them fighting and wining. I could see their smiles and their tears. Slowly I no longer began to feel that I was alone. 

But every now and then, one of them leaves this world. I had been following this sweet girl for over a year, cheering at her triumphs, crying at her pain. And now she is gone. Gone. My heart hurts in the worst sort of way. There are no words I can use to comfort myself I have no clue how her family is coping. 

I just can not help but ask, why her? Why her and not me? Why did I get to live? What was so special about me that I stay on here? I guess they call that survivor's guilt. It hurts my soul. My weary soul. 

I do my best to remember that I know not the reasons, but I know the One who does. I do not know why beautiful children die when others get to live. 

Someone told me something once on this subject that comforted me a little. She said, "Cancer never wins. If a person kills the cancer with chemo, then cancer looses. If a person dies because of cancer, the cancer still looses because the cancer dies along with the person." I try to remind myself of that today, but it is getting harder when I know I will never see this darling girl's face ever again. Cancer never wins. Ever.

Rest in peace sweet one. My heart and soul ache for you.

-Rachael

What Was And What Is (and the huge difference)

Much easier said than done. I should know. My 19th year in this world was full of "should haves." I should have been able to stay in college and not miss a year. I should have been able to stay at work and build my money. I should have been well enough to drive myself around instead of being driven to places like a 12 year old. I should have been able to go to parties and stay up late. I should have loved that summer as much as I loved the last.

And every moment, of nearly every day, what should have been was all I could think about. Even now I catch myself in the act. Just the other day I couldn't help thinking, "I should have graduated a year ago, not this year. I should already be done with my year at a university by now."

But then, life is full of should haves. And I have come to know that dwelling on the should haves never got me very far. Maybe some of those things were not meant to be. We can never really know what could have been, we can only know what is.

I look back on my should haves as if they were the perfect life that was denied to me. But nobody lives a perfect life. There would have been pain and trial in my should have life as well. I would have met up with trouble. I would have met up with tears. Only I would not have gotten to look at it as I do now, through the lens of what actually did happen.

I got cancer. It broke me. But it broke me so that I could rebuild myself into something much more. I no longer need to remember the should haves, the could have beens. No, I don't need them. I don't need them because I have something better: the what is.

And in this real and true life of mine I defeated cancer, I graduated from my community college and I did it all in the shadow of death. I could not have written a more heroic story for myself if I had tried. What I am is so much better than what I could have been. Who I am is so much better. 

Never forget to remember what is and not what should have been.

-Rachael