What Is My New Normal?

To borrow a line from a book I like, I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that can be. I was diagnosed with Leukemia in January of 2013. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia to be precise. I was 18. I was scared. To death.

And then somehow, I do not know just how so do not ask, I made it. On May 27th 2015 they gave me my last round of toxic chemo, took out the port in my chest, and sent me on my way. I was cured. I was done. I felt like I was being shoved out into the world and told, "Go forth and be normal!"

But how can "normal" be when I don't even know what normal is anymore? Is it normal for a 21 year old to wake up in the morning and gasp at the wonder of a new day? To stop in the middle of a task at work and just try to take in air as I take in the idea that it is over somehow? Is it normal for a 21 year old to feel deeply indebted to God for every heartbeat and question if I am using each moment to the fullest?

I guess looking at that list, the new normal isn't so bad. It is just a lot of pressure. Like, who else do I know that got a second chance on life while they were still young? I am a living, breathing miracle, and I am still trying to learn just what that means. Nobody looks at me the same. Again, not always a bad thing, but still, the difference is sometimes unsettling. Like, all I did was survive people. I am no saint, no angel, and I do not have superpowers (as cool as that would admittedly be).

I lived. And I guess there is something special about living when everybody knew you could die. I wish to explain what it means to live on the other side of cancer, so that is why I have this blog. Maybe my thoughts could help someone else. Or maybe they will just help me. I hope they help both of us.

-Rachael