What My Days Hold

I had my first post chemo check up yesterday. As my mom drove me to the cancer center I fidgeted with the wrinkles in my jean shorts and stared out the window at the clouds. I have been noticing clouds a lot more. I have been noticing a lot of things a lot more. The beauty in the sound of rain, the golden color of light, the different sounds people make when they laugh and talk. Sometimes it is like I am seeing everything for this first time.

At the cancer center, I didn't think things would be too different, but some things have changed. Normally when I get my blood drawn it is through my port, but now that I no longer have a port I get blood drawn like everyone else. This means I don't have to go into a special room at the cancer center, and sit in one of the heated recliners. I just sat in one of the blood draw chairs closer to the nurses station. 

They got my blood out with just one poke, that is not normal for me. Before, because my veins are small, they often have to poke me many times, which can include breaking a vein, before they would get it in. Not this time! My arm is only slightly sore today but that I hear is normal.

So then we went up stairs to see my doctor. I read about people who come in for post cancer check ups before, about what they think about in the waiting room. About what if the cancer came back or maybe something else could be wrong. I told myself I wouldn't think about those things. But I did.

Then the nurse called my name, I went and told them all about my life the past month and how I was no longer having chemo. They all congratulated me and told me how happy they were for me. That was when I began to relax a little.

Then my doctor came in, he seemed in high spirits so that relaxed me more. He made small talk as he turned the computer on. Then he said what I had been waiting for, "I saw your blood counts, they look good."

I can not explain the weight I exhaled.

We talked, he examined me, and he gave me a prescription for more pain meds just in case I needed them.

And then we left and had lunch with my grandmother. On the way home I noticed the clouds again. And I thought about how beautiful they must look from above and how not until just recently did anybody get to see them from above. God was making them beautiful even though nobody could see them. 

I take too much for granted in this life, my life included. I complain too much. I don't say sorry enough. And I look past beautiful things like clouds and sun sets only to see pain and darkness. 

My life isn't perfect; nobody's is. But I am blessed beyond compare.

-Rachael