Finding My Footing

I have been searching for a while, as this blog shows, to find just what my new normal is. I know it is not the same life I had before but just how it was different I have struggled with. I am still me on this side of cancer, after all. I still love reading, sunshine, and anything covered in glitter.

So what has changed? Well, just about everything, actually.

My entire outlook is different. Reading back on the past year of posts I can see myself trying to form that into words. How I look out these windows I call eyes has changed just as the view has. What my life is, was, and will be has altered all because I almost died.

Sometimes, when I am really happy, right in the middle of a laugh with friends or dancing in the rain or belting out my favorite song as it comes on the radio, I get sad. I get sad because I know it won't last. The sadness settles around my heart changes the way I see the moment.

I used to see this as a bad thing. I hated that even my lovely moments were being stolen from me. Didn't I deserve all the beautiful moments I could possibly find?

But then, perhaps it isn't really sadness that comes over me.

It is perspective.

I know bad, painful, hard times will come and it jabs like a knife. But in that moment, I am happy. That flash of perspective makes me laugh and dance and sing all the harder. Makes me grab onto the memory and hold tight with both hands. I will never let those moments go because I know how special they are.

Life can be very dark and painful; sunshine is a rare thing. I want to fill my days with as much sunshine as I can collect. And I want to share that sunshine with others. I want to laugh more and love deeper and speak all the kindness I can. My own darkness has made me realize that everyone is a little broken, everyone has shadows. I do not want to contribute to those shadows. I want people to remember me and think of sparkles. I want them to remember the time I made them laugh and the fun we had. I want them to know I am there for them when times get hard.

Finding my footing in this new normal means helping others find theirs. I don't have so much to bring to this life despite my cancer; I have so much to bring because of it. It sounds super cliche, I know, but I would not have seen the sunshine so well without the rain. And I certainly did not appreciate that sunshine so much as I should.

My new normal means helping others thrive as I am (slowly) learning to. Nobody should have to go through cancer just to live and love life to the fullest.

-Rachael