Flash Back

I must be honest. I have put off writing this because it hurts. Even now the memories come crashing down on me. My fingers hesitate on the keys. But this needs to be said.

Before I had cancer, I read about PTS or post traumatic stress. It said that one of the symptoms was experiencing flash backs of the event(s). Not having experienced any great hard event in my life, I didn't think that symptom sounded as bad as the other symptoms like sleeplessness or sudden out bursts of anger.

But then I had cancer.

Memories can be so strong. The wash over me like I am standing on a boat in a storm. There is no place I can go to stay dry. If I am lucky, I only get a spray. Something I see makes me remember an unpleasant time, I frown, try to shake it off and move on with my day. However, sometimes the memories come in a wave with no warning. 

Sometimes they even happen in my sleep.

Just last night I dreamed that I was standing in front of a mirror with beautiful long hair like I used to have. I smiled at my reflection and brushed my hair behind my shoulder. I remembered the dream this morning while I was washing my hair in the shower. The whole hair thing hits me pretty hard for an odd reason. 

You see, when I first had to shave off my hair, I was devastated but I moved on as best I could. But then my mind decided to play a trick on me, using my own memory to hurt me. Did you know that the moment before you look in the mirror, your mind forms a picture of what it thinks you look like? I didn't know that either, until my hair was gone. 

I would step up to a mirror, and that image of me with hair would flash in my mind, and then I would see the real me. The me without hair. My mind would real for a moment before I realized what was happening. For a moment, it was like I was seeing myself without hair for the first time. I know my mind can not help this, but it stung in a sensitive place. 

I avoided mirrors for a long time. My mom thought it was because I didn't like how I looked without hair, but in truth I was just trying to avoid a jarring memory.

So you see, these dumb "flashbacks" happen all the time to me, and not just in front of a mirror. I donated a few of my shirts because I was very sick in the hospital while wearing them. My stomach turned when I opened my dresser drawers. I just couldn't have that.

And some times nothing in particular will trigger these thoughts. Sometimes I am just walking in the woods or sifting through Pinterest and out of nowhere I get a flashback. They are draining, hurtful, and make me want to crawl back in bed and never come out.

Yet I know I must go on. I didn't not beat cancer to be taken down by its mere memory! I am stronger than this. And if I am not, then God is stronger than this and will fight for me. I know He can not fail.

My new normal is to trust I need not fight alone.

-Rachael