Because I Feel

I cried today. But it wasn't for me. I cried for a 15 year old girl who died of cancer. So young. 

I follow different people on Facebook: people who are fighting different kinds of cancer. Mostly kids and young adults. It all started when I was sick. I wanted to feel the comfort of knowing there were others fighting along side me. That there were those battling the same monsters that I was. 

Many days, it was a great encouragement. I could see them fighting and wining. I could see their smiles and their tears. Slowly I no longer began to feel that I was alone. 

But every now and then, one of them leaves this world. I had been following this sweet girl for over a year, cheering at her triumphs, crying at her pain. And now she is gone. Gone. My heart hurts in the worst sort of way. There are no words I can use to comfort myself I have no clue how her family is coping. 

I just can not help but ask, why her? Why her and not me? Why did I get to live? What was so special about me that I stay on here? I guess they call that survivor's guilt. It hurts my soul. My weary soul. 

I do my best to remember that I know not the reasons, but I know the One who does. I do not know why beautiful children die when others get to live. 

Someone told me something once on this subject that comforted me a little. She said, "Cancer never wins. If a person kills the cancer with chemo, then cancer looses. If a person dies because of cancer, the cancer still looses because the cancer dies along with the person." I try to remind myself of that today, but it is getting harder when I know I will never see this darling girl's face ever again. Cancer never wins. Ever.

Rest in peace sweet one. My heart and soul ache for you.

-Rachael