Some Things Stay The Same

I share this quote because I am living it. I am half agony; some days I still have to struggle by. I have to push myself to get out of bed in the morning because leg cramps and my compromised body won't get rid of a simple cold after weeks. 

And yet... I am half hope.

I am half hope for a lot of reasons. I like to think those reasons greater. So great, that one day they will push away the half agony part of me into oblivion. That cancer will be nothing more than a speck on my radar.

One of the great reasons I have cause to hope are the things that have stayed the same for me. These things are beautiful in a way I have no words to describe because I can do them the same as I could before cancer. 

And the very best of these is reading. My addiction to the written word has been one of my lifelines throughout my journey. When I was really sick, I might only be able to read a page at a time. And on days when I had spinal taps I couldn't read at all because the medicine would make me forget anything I tried to remember. And yet I still read.

It wasn't until after the worst of my chemo was over that I realized books were still the same for me. It came after a long day at school where I struggled to concentrate. I had been frustrated with my back pain and had only just been able to drive home. I kept thinking to myself, "Everything is different now. I just have to do things differently." 

Now, I am not one of those long suffering sort of people that you read about that bears a big life change, like becoming paralyzed or getting cancer, with grace. There were a lot of tears. Lots of shouts of anger and fits of rage. Lots of painful days where I avoided hard things all together, even things I liked to do, because that would mean doing them differently. And that would mean I would be reminded of the C word and how could I possibly have a good time or enjoy myself then?

So after this long day of "doing things differently" I read a book. And as I read my mind drifted for a moment to all the great books I had read and how much I liked them. And it hit me. I was enjoying this book just like I enjoyed books before. I could read just as I had. No change.

Well, perhaps there is one difference. I think I might just love books more. If that were possible.

-Rachael