What My Days Hold

I had my first post chemo check up yesterday. As my mom drove me to the cancer center I fidgeted with the wrinkles in my jean shorts and stared out the window at the clouds. I have been noticing clouds a lot more. I have been noticing a lot of things a lot more. The beauty in the sound of rain, the golden color of light, the different sounds people make when they laugh and talk. Sometimes it is like I am seeing everything for this first time.

At the cancer center, I didn't think things would be too different, but some things have changed. Normally when I get my blood drawn it is through my port, but now that I no longer have a port I get blood drawn like everyone else. This means I don't have to go into a special room at the cancer center, and sit in one of the heated recliners. I just sat in one of the blood draw chairs closer to the nurses station. 

They got my blood out with just one poke, that is not normal for me. Before, because my veins are small, they often have to poke me many times, which can include breaking a vein, before they would get it in. Not this time! My arm is only slightly sore today but that I hear is normal.

So then we went up stairs to see my doctor. I read about people who come in for post cancer check ups before, about what they think about in the waiting room. About what if the cancer came back or maybe something else could be wrong. I told myself I wouldn't think about those things. But I did.

Then the nurse called my name, I went and told them all about my life the past month and how I was no longer having chemo. They all congratulated me and told me how happy they were for me. That was when I began to relax a little.

Then my doctor came in, he seemed in high spirits so that relaxed me more. He made small talk as he turned the computer on. Then he said what I had been waiting for, "I saw your blood counts, they look good."

I can not explain the weight I exhaled.

We talked, he examined me, and he gave me a prescription for more pain meds just in case I needed them.

And then we left and had lunch with my grandmother. On the way home I noticed the clouds again. And I thought about how beautiful they must look from above and how not until just recently did anybody get to see them from above. God was making them beautiful even though nobody could see them. 

I take too much for granted in this life, my life included. I complain too much. I don't say sorry enough. And I look past beautiful things like clouds and sun sets only to see pain and darkness. 

My life isn't perfect; nobody's is. But I am blessed beyond compare.

-Rachael

Laugh Without Fear?

This verse always gets to me. Before cancer, a fear of the future was always on my mind. I was always wondering if this or that would work out. I lay awake many nights, unable to sleep, worried about the future.

But all of that changed when I leaned I had leukemia. That one mountain blocked out all the other little "problems" I thought I had.

Even now I still wonder, what does my tomorrows hold? What if the cancer comes back? How will I find the strength to fight it again?

What is this strength and dignity that the woman in the verse is clothed with? For a long time I thought that meant I needed to be strong and dignified by myself. I tried, endlessly, to be strong enough, to hold my head up, to keep going. But having my very life hanging before me made me realize the powerful truth: the strength and dignity come from God, not me. I could never be strong enough on my own.

And did you see that she is "clothed in strength and dignity"? I love that imagery. She doesn't just pick it up when she needs it. She doesn't hold on to it so that she could possibly drop it or leave it behind. She is clothed in it. It is with her wherever she goes, whatever she does, God's strength and dignity is with her, covering her. Like a shield of protection.

The woman who is clothed in God's strength and dignity does not need to fear because she doesn't have to face anything on her own. 

That is why she can laugh without fear of the future.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to not to have to be strong on my own! Some days now I wonder, what if the cancer came back? How could I fight it? I don't have to. God's strength and dignity clothe me now. If it comes back, I will have nothing to fear. If it comes or doesn't God will be with me, and that is enough. The days ahead no longer hold a ransom on me.

I am free to laugh without fear of the future.

-Rachael

Flash Back

I must be honest. I have put off writing this because it hurts. Even now the memories come crashing down on me. My fingers hesitate on the keys. But this needs to be said.

Before I had cancer, I read about PTS or post traumatic stress. It said that one of the symptoms was experiencing flash backs of the event(s). Not having experienced any great hard event in my life, I didn't think that symptom sounded as bad as the other symptoms like sleeplessness or sudden out bursts of anger.

But then I had cancer.

Memories can be so strong. The wash over me like I am standing on a boat in a storm. There is no place I can go to stay dry. If I am lucky, I only get a spray. Something I see makes me remember an unpleasant time, I frown, try to shake it off and move on with my day. However, sometimes the memories come in a wave with no warning. 

Sometimes they even happen in my sleep.

Just last night I dreamed that I was standing in front of a mirror with beautiful long hair like I used to have. I smiled at my reflection and brushed my hair behind my shoulder. I remembered the dream this morning while I was washing my hair in the shower. The whole hair thing hits me pretty hard for an odd reason. 

You see, when I first had to shave off my hair, I was devastated but I moved on as best I could. But then my mind decided to play a trick on me, using my own memory to hurt me. Did you know that the moment before you look in the mirror, your mind forms a picture of what it thinks you look like? I didn't know that either, until my hair was gone. 

I would step up to a mirror, and that image of me with hair would flash in my mind, and then I would see the real me. The me without hair. My mind would real for a moment before I realized what was happening. For a moment, it was like I was seeing myself without hair for the first time. I know my mind can not help this, but it stung in a sensitive place. 

I avoided mirrors for a long time. My mom thought it was because I didn't like how I looked without hair, but in truth I was just trying to avoid a jarring memory.

So you see, these dumb "flashbacks" happen all the time to me, and not just in front of a mirror. I donated a few of my shirts because I was very sick in the hospital while wearing them. My stomach turned when I opened my dresser drawers. I just couldn't have that.

And some times nothing in particular will trigger these thoughts. Sometimes I am just walking in the woods or sifting through Pinterest and out of nowhere I get a flashback. They are draining, hurtful, and make me want to crawl back in bed and never come out.

Yet I know I must go on. I didn't not beat cancer to be taken down by its mere memory! I am stronger than this. And if I am not, then God is stronger than this and will fight for me. I know He can not fail.

My new normal is to trust I need not fight alone.

-Rachael

It Is Time

It is easy to forget what a 21 year old should be doing. We should, in part, be having a blast during school breaks because that is the only time we get for ourselves. Last night I got to remember, and it was wonderful.

My neighbors (everyone is a neighbor in the country) threw a pool party. The air was cool but they had warmed the pool water so it didn't matter. They had glow sticks enough to make bracelets, crowns, and what ever else we could make of them. they also had a bunch of balloons filled with glow stick floating on the water. We had soda and pizza at like 11 at night. I jumped off their deck bunches of times.

The sky was so clear I could count every star. The sight stole my breath away. I had a hard time ripping my gaze off the heavens to talk to people. 

I have never been one for parties, being the introvert that I am, but at this one I had a lot of fun. The late night, with the stars and the glow sticks and all, I just couldn't help thinking these are the kinds of things I should be doing when I am 21. Not worrying over doctor visits. Not fretting about needles. Not in a constant state of think of the "what ifs" that could haunt my life. 

I guess I could have had (and did) have fun last summer, but everything felt overshadowed by my treatment. I was constantly asked, "How are you doing?" and "You are not over doing it are you?" I was the first one checked on, the first one questioned about my current condition. I do not wish to say that I should have been ignored or that I didn't think kindly on these people because they cared for me. I needed all the checking up on I could get.

But this summer... this summer I can feel things are going to be different. This summer I get to remember what it is like to be alive. My new normal is remembering that I am allowed to stay up late and have fun.

-Rachael

Because I Feel

I cried today. But it wasn't for me. I cried for a 15 year old girl who died of cancer. So young. 

I follow different people on Facebook: people who are fighting different kinds of cancer. Mostly kids and young adults. It all started when I was sick. I wanted to feel the comfort of knowing there were others fighting along side me. That there were those battling the same monsters that I was. 

Many days, it was a great encouragement. I could see them fighting and wining. I could see their smiles and their tears. Slowly I no longer began to feel that I was alone. 

But every now and then, one of them leaves this world. I had been following this sweet girl for over a year, cheering at her triumphs, crying at her pain. And now she is gone. Gone. My heart hurts in the worst sort of way. There are no words I can use to comfort myself I have no clue how her family is coping. 

I just can not help but ask, why her? Why her and not me? Why did I get to live? What was so special about me that I stay on here? I guess they call that survivor's guilt. It hurts my soul. My weary soul. 

I do my best to remember that I know not the reasons, but I know the One who does. I do not know why beautiful children die when others get to live. 

Someone told me something once on this subject that comforted me a little. She said, "Cancer never wins. If a person kills the cancer with chemo, then cancer looses. If a person dies because of cancer, the cancer still looses because the cancer dies along with the person." I try to remind myself of that today, but it is getting harder when I know I will never see this darling girl's face ever again. Cancer never wins. Ever.

Rest in peace sweet one. My heart and soul ache for you.

-Rachael

What Was And What Is (and the huge difference)

Much easier said than done. I should know. My 19th year in this world was full of "should haves." I should have been able to stay in college and not miss a year. I should have been able to stay at work and build my money. I should have been well enough to drive myself around instead of being driven to places like a 12 year old. I should have been able to go to parties and stay up late. I should have loved that summer as much as I loved the last.

And every moment, of nearly every day, what should have been was all I could think about. Even now I catch myself in the act. Just the other day I couldn't help thinking, "I should have graduated a year ago, not this year. I should already be done with my year at a university by now."

But then, life is full of should haves. And I have come to know that dwelling on the should haves never got me very far. Maybe some of those things were not meant to be. We can never really know what could have been, we can only know what is.

I look back on my should haves as if they were the perfect life that was denied to me. But nobody lives a perfect life. There would have been pain and trial in my should have life as well. I would have met up with trouble. I would have met up with tears. Only I would not have gotten to look at it as I do now, through the lens of what actually did happen.

I got cancer. It broke me. But it broke me so that I could rebuild myself into something much more. I no longer need to remember the should haves, the could have beens. No, I don't need them. I don't need them because I have something better: the what is.

And in this real and true life of mine I defeated cancer, I graduated from my community college and I did it all in the shadow of death. I could not have written a more heroic story for myself if I had tried. What I am is so much better than what I could have been. Who I am is so much better. 

Never forget to remember what is and not what should have been.

-Rachael

Some Things Stay The Same

I share this quote because I am living it. I am half agony; some days I still have to struggle by. I have to push myself to get out of bed in the morning because leg cramps and my compromised body won't get rid of a simple cold after weeks. 

And yet... I am half hope.

I am half hope for a lot of reasons. I like to think those reasons greater. So great, that one day they will push away the half agony part of me into oblivion. That cancer will be nothing more than a speck on my radar.

One of the great reasons I have cause to hope are the things that have stayed the same for me. These things are beautiful in a way I have no words to describe because I can do them the same as I could before cancer. 

And the very best of these is reading. My addiction to the written word has been one of my lifelines throughout my journey. When I was really sick, I might only be able to read a page at a time. And on days when I had spinal taps I couldn't read at all because the medicine would make me forget anything I tried to remember. And yet I still read.

It wasn't until after the worst of my chemo was over that I realized books were still the same for me. It came after a long day at school where I struggled to concentrate. I had been frustrated with my back pain and had only just been able to drive home. I kept thinking to myself, "Everything is different now. I just have to do things differently." 

Now, I am not one of those long suffering sort of people that you read about that bears a big life change, like becoming paralyzed or getting cancer, with grace. There were a lot of tears. Lots of shouts of anger and fits of rage. Lots of painful days where I avoided hard things all together, even things I liked to do, because that would mean doing them differently. And that would mean I would be reminded of the C word and how could I possibly have a good time or enjoy myself then?

So after this long day of "doing things differently" I read a book. And as I read my mind drifted for a moment to all the great books I had read and how much I liked them. And it hit me. I was enjoying this book just like I enjoyed books before. I could read just as I had. No change.

Well, perhaps there is one difference. I think I might just love books more. If that were possible.

-Rachael

Cancer Comes in All Colors

I never understood why people won't talk about cancer. Like, are they afraid they will some how get it if they talk about it? But when this went from an oddity to a tragedy for me was last summer.

I was a cabin leader at a camp. I had planed to fly under the radar with the whole cancer thing cause the week wasn't about me, it was about the kids. Well, word got around that I had cancer and at least these kids were braver than most adults I know as they came up to me and asked what type of cancer I had. Smarter than some adults I know too, but I will get to that in a moment. When I told them I had leukemia, several asked, "Where is that cancer at in your body?"

What.

I explained that it was a blood cancer, so it lived in my blood. But after they walked away I was left standing in anger, fear, and frustration. 

HOW IN THE BLOODY WORLD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CURE CANCER IF MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A COMMON TYPE OF CANCER EVEN IS?!?!

I realize these were kids. But just because the name of the cancer doesn't have the place isn't an excuse. And it isn't just kids. It is adults that live in ignorance too.

My sister belongs to a website where they draw things with computer programs and post them for others to see. While I was sick, she drew an orange cause ribbon (the color for leukemia) and wrote "cure cancer" and posted it. Several people asked, "Isn't the ribbon supposed to be pink?" and "Isn't the cancer ribbon pink?"

What.

HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CURE CANCER IF PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW THERE IS MORE TO IT THAN BREAST CANCER?

Now, I do not want to hate on breast cancer. ALL cancer is bad. There is no such thing as a "good" or "easy" cancer. I just wish for it to be recognized in all forms. In all colors.

My new normal is living every day knowing that most people won't even talk about the thing that almost killed me. So for this reason I am as open as I can be, talk to anybody who will listen, and pray that one day the reason nobody will talk about cancer is because it is cured.

-Rachael

Hair Growth

As with many cancer survivors, I must deal with the new normal with a new head of hair. I lost mine early on and it didn't start growing back until November of 2013. 

When it grew back, I soon realized I was dealing with something different. Before my hair had been average thickness and had a slight wave. The new hair had other ideas in mind. About the only thing that is the same is the color.

My new hair came in for the first nine months VERY CURLY. Like, ringlet curls. I looked like a poodle. Or an old lady who had a perm. Both equally as bad in my opinion. I will spare you the pictures. 

And then POOF! my hair started coming in strait. I think it might be straiter than it was originally. So now I have half curly half strait hair and it looks like I either tried to curl it and gave up or tried to straiten it and gave up. Again, not good.

To top it all off, it is SO THICK now. I have to buy and use the extra large elastic hair ties to wrestle it into a ponytail. Oh, my dearest friend, ponytail, how I have missed you for the past year and a half. All those bad hair days where I had zero choices with how to fix my curly, fluffy ball of hair. Now you are the best of best friends. Never leave me. Please, I forgot how awesome you are.

Oh, and if you are wondering, my hair is the length in the picture of the left girl in the middle row. My goal at the moment it to have hair the length of the girl all the way to the right in the middle row. Three more inches. That is about 6 months because my hair grows about average which is half an inch per month. So November then.

-Rachael