Reaching for the Stars

God has provided, as he always does. I am not only back at school but having an upside down wonderful kind of session. Everything is just as hard, maybe harder even.

But I am not fearful.

I have a sort of fire in my veins. Powerful, strong, crazy, and beautiful all at once. It drives me onward even on my darkest days.

I guess it really all kind of hit me when I got my notice to attend a meeting next month. A meeting for seniors. That is what I am now. A senior. However do I wrap my head about that? I have been going to school nearly my whole life and now... now I am almost done. Just over a year to go. What? How?

I can't answer either of those questions. But somehow, past the pain, the tears, the cancer, the financial problems, I ended up here. Surely, this was no accident. No freak alignment of the stars. I was driven to this place for a reason, for a purpose.

Perhaps I was created for such a time as this.

That is the fire that drives me. The knowledge that I did not just "end up" at this college and I did not just "end up" with my passion for teaching. And so, when it is hard, when I don't want to crawl out of my bed in the morning, I remember that this was no accident.

I was created for such a time as this.

And so, dear reader, were you. You are where you are for a very good and specific reason. Maybe you can't see it now, but you were not given what you got so you could end now. You didn't come this far to only come this far. Please do not give up. Do not hesitate. Do not second guess yourself. God has a plan, one that reaches way beyond yours.

My new normal is teaching me that I don't have to find the plan, the plan will find me for this is the time for which I was created.


–Rachael

Picking Up and Moving On

As I start my last full year of college, I am startled by how much I still think about cancer. On a good day, it might just be a small reminder: my short hair, a leg cramp. On a bad day, which thankfully happen less and less often, I am assaulted by past feelings and can become bitter and angry in a flash for things that happened to me years ago. 

But not all memories tied to that time are bad. For the first time in my life, I really do feel like I am picking up and moving on. I am known by many people at college not because of cancer, but because of my major, or where I live, or what I am interested in. They know and like me for me, not for what I have been. I am leaving that chapter behind me once and for all.

Not for good, though. I could never completely rid myself of that as that time is as much a part of who I am as any other time. Nor do I want to forget what happened to me for that was when I found my strength. I am leaving behind the bad, and I am applying the good.

And my word does it feel freeing.

With cancer comes so much emotional baggage. With that baggage comes a unique perspective. No matter what I am facing I remind myself of this truth: I have already done the hardest thing I will ever do. If I can do cancer, I can do anything.

Tonight we were talking in class about what will happen after graduation. I have wanted to be a teacher for so long that I have been secretly afraid that I might not be good enough and then I won't know what to do. All the education classes in the world can't make you a good teacher or else we would have no bad ones. What if I don't have the knack for it? What if I am just not made to be a teacher?

My professor eased some of my fears when she said that the job I get after college will probably not be the job I have for the rest of my life. And I may not even end up working in the field I think I will. Maybe I will end up somewhere using my degree in ways I never thought I could. And that is okay. That doesn't make my degree any less important because I didn't get my "dream job." 

If I can do cancer, I can do anything.

Maybe on my way to that dream I will get lost and find a new one. A better one. A dream with a job and a place I didn't even know was real.

The future isn't set in stone, I should know this better than most. 

My new normal is teaching me that new dreams are found around every corner. And that picking up and moving on is okay so long as I don't forget the strength I have found along the way.

––Rachael

Stop Doing and Start Being

Such an odd and beautiful thing happened when I was driving home from Bible study the other night. The amazing part was it happened the week before as well. A brilliant lighting storm lit up the sky from east to west. And yet I didn't hear any thunder. And to top it off, the sky to the south was clear and the crescent moon hung like the Cheshire cat's smile in the sky. 

I couldn't believe it happened the first time. And when it happened again, with the moon and everything, I just watched it all in awe. 

I know God can and has done things much more amazing than a lightning show with his power, but seeing that was a good reminder to me. He is able to do so much more than I can ask or imagine. 

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I miss my friends, I miss school. I didn't get the job I wanted for the summer and I am not sure how I will be able to afford school in the fall. My parents have not been very understanding about the whole thing and think it is somehow my fault. I have felt very useless just sitting at home and babysitting once a week. School was so full of action. But now my life is quiet. And the quiet is suffocating me. 

But God is trying to teach me something in this time of stillness. Why do I, again and again, doubt because of where I happen to be at in life? Why do I stress and think I need to have it all together by myself? Since when has anything I have done been on my own?

All I can do is what I have been doing my whole life: rest in the arms of the one who holds the future. 

Why do I try to break away and do things on my own? Why do I try my best when I know my best will never be enough? 

Why do I keep fighting battles when God had already won the war?

I need to just rest and be and lay the rest down at the feet of God. I do not exist for me but to share the Grace and Love of God. And breathe. That is it.

My new normal is teaching me that I need to stop doing and start being. And that sometimes I find God more deeply in the dry times than in the storms.

-Rachael

I Have Come This Far

Guess what today is. Go on. Guess. Today is a year. One whole year.

A year ago today, I had my last spinal tap, my last chemo treatment, and my chest port was removed.

TADA!

Today was the day I decided I wanted to write a blog to help me figure out this what this whole "new normal" thing was all about. Here we are.

I can not express the joy vibrating from my soul. The realization hit me all at once about an hour ago and I haven't stopped smiling since.

I remember the day so well it is hard to believe it was a year ago. I ordered a big sign that said "I WON!" on it and took it with me to the hospital. I took pictures with every doctor, nurse, and family member in sight. I couldn't stop smiling then either.

I was so excited I was bouncing in the waiting room. I hadn't eaten or drank anything because of the surgery but that didn't bring down my energy level. I cried when I thanked my oncologist and nurse practitioner for all their hard work and love through this hard time.

I cried again when they led me into surgery. I hugged my mom and could hardly gasp out this words, "This is it! We are done!" The doctors said they have never seen someone so excited for surgery. I have never been so excited to be cut open in my whole life! Or really anything, actually. They were taking it out of me. They were removing the stupid port that gave me an ugly scar on my chest and forced me to sleep funny.

It was like being unplugged. Like some sort of invisible string had attached me to cancer and the port was the last thing holding me back.

I remember waking up, groggy, but happy. I lay in my drug addled bliss for who knows how long smiling dumbly at the tiled ceiling. It was over. It was done.

Few memories from my cancer days give me joy. I am so pleased I get to remember this one. It is fixed forever in my mind.

My new normal means looking back to see just how far I have come.

-Rachael

Birthday Update!

I just realized I have had a birthday and didn't update this page.

That is right beautiful people. I made it to 22!

Go out and eat some cake for me :)

-Rachael

Finding My Footing

I have been searching for a while, as this blog shows, to find just what my new normal is. I know it is not the same life I had before but just how it was different I have struggled with. I am still me on this side of cancer, after all. I still love reading, sunshine, and anything covered in glitter.

So what has changed? Well, just about everything, actually.

My entire outlook is different. Reading back on the past year of posts I can see myself trying to form that into words. How I look out these windows I call eyes has changed just as the view has. What my life is, was, and will be has altered all because I almost died.

Sometimes, when I am really happy, right in the middle of a laugh with friends or dancing in the rain or belting out my favorite song as it comes on the radio, I get sad. I get sad because I know it won't last. The sadness settles around my heart changes the way I see the moment.

I used to see this as a bad thing. I hated that even my lovely moments were being stolen from me. Didn't I deserve all the beautiful moments I could possibly find?

But then, perhaps it isn't really sadness that comes over me.

It is perspective.

I know bad, painful, hard times will come and it jabs like a knife. But in that moment, I am happy. That flash of perspective makes me laugh and dance and sing all the harder. Makes me grab onto the memory and hold tight with both hands. I will never let those moments go because I know how special they are.

Life can be very dark and painful; sunshine is a rare thing. I want to fill my days with as much sunshine as I can collect. And I want to share that sunshine with others. I want to laugh more and love deeper and speak all the kindness I can. My own darkness has made me realize that everyone is a little broken, everyone has shadows. I do not want to contribute to those shadows. I want people to remember me and think of sparkles. I want them to remember the time I made them laugh and the fun we had. I want them to know I am there for them when times get hard.

Finding my footing in this new normal means helping others find theirs. I don't have so much to bring to this life despite my cancer; I have so much to bring because of it. It sounds super cliche, I know, but I would not have seen the sunshine so well without the rain. And I certainly did not appreciate that sunshine so much as I should.

My new normal means helping others thrive as I am (slowly) learning to. Nobody should have to go through cancer just to live and love life to the fullest.

-Rachael

Walk On Water

Life has a funny way of always being a struggle. I know well of deep hurts and everyday struggles in this life. I feel like I have just weathered the last storm, just had time to fix my sails and take a deep breath, when the next storm hits. 

School costs more than I thought.

Some old chemo side effects came back

I need to take a different class next session but it conflicts with another class I need.

Old fears resurfaced. 

I am going to have to stay an extra semester at school (anticipated graduation date is now December 2017).

I don't have time for a job but I need money.

All of those things happened in just the last month alone. I can tell you I have done my fair share of crying about them. I have asked, no, begged God to calm the storm around me. I can't move on, I thought, I can not keep going until these storms are calmed. My boat can do nothing in these tossing waves.

But here is the thing about storms in life, they don't need to be calmed for me to keep moving forward. Sometimes, God doesn't want me to stay in the boat anymore, he wants me to get out and walk on the waves. But why would I even consider walking on water if I have a boat to sail with? In reality, I wouldn't. During the good times, when the sea is calm, I am most content to stay in my boat and sail on.

Yet during a storm, I have but two options if I want to keep moving forward: wait for God to calm the sea, or step out onto the water. And to be honest, I hate the moment I realise this storm I am in isn't going to end anytime soon. That God's lack of answer to my problem, is my answer. He wants me to witness something far more miraculous that just a storm that stops. He wants me to realize that when he calls me out of the boat, he intends to teach me to walk on the water. 

That first step is the hardest, but really, there is nothing miraculous about getting out of the boat, anybody can do that. But once I let go of the boat and I realized was not drowning joy filled me. Yes the storm was still going on around me. But I was doing something I never thought possible!

I asked questions and found loan money I had forgotten to sign for.

The side effects didn't keep me down and slowly melted away again.

The class I thought I needed, is no longer a requirement. And because I dug deeper and asked questions, I will get a class of my choice to substitute for it. 

God taught me through a Bible study how to face my fears head on. And now they melt away mere moments after appearing. 

Staying an extra semester means I will graduate with all of my friends instead of early by myself.

My new normal has taught me that the most amazing moments in life were not when God calmed the storm around me, but when he taught me to walk on water. 

-Rachael

She Flies

It is high time I wrote about the poem that inspired me most during and after my fight. While on Pinterest one day (if you want to follow me there will be a link at the end of the post) I came across these five words "With brave wings, she flies." And I found I could hardly breathe. What was it about these five words that sparked a fire in my soul?

"With brave wings, she flies"

I guess I never thought one had to be brave to fly. I thought birds enjoyed the activity, like we enjoy walking and running. But brave? Brave means facing challenges. Brave means being scared and doing it anyway. Brave means knowing there are more important things to think about than failing and falling. I wanted brave wings.

"With brave wings, she flies"

So she doesn't just have these brave wings, she flies with them as well. She could stay safely on the ground, showing off her brave wings to others. She could preen them and flap them to work them out. Yet never actually use them. Because to use them could mean failure. To use them could mean falling. But she does use them. And not just for short hops.

Over a year later (actually, right around the time I started this blog) I found that these five words were actually connected to a longer poem. And I found it hard to breathe again.

"Over the cliffs of wonder 

Into the abyss of surprise."

 

Remember that flying I was talking about? These are no ordinary flights. She soars. She dives headlong into the hardship. The future is uncertain, but it is worth it for the view. It is worth it for the journey. "Cliffs of wonder"? Yeah, I have seen a few of those in my time. "Abyss of surprise"? Boy, I sure have found myself in a few of those!

"She doesn't know what's coming next"

Nobody can predict the future. She may think about all the "what ifs." What if I fall? What if I fly too close to something and get knocked down? What if I don't have the strength to get to the next perch? But all the what ifs don't stop this girl from flying.

"I think that is for the best"

Wow, that is a hard one to swallow. Sometimes it feels like all I want to know is WHEN. When will this be over? When will the storm end? When will the sun shine through? But looking back, I know I would have totally freaked out if I knew what was coming ahead of me. Cancer? No way God, I can't handle that. Graduating with honors? Please, I am not that smart. Becoming a teacher? What? I am too sensitive! Not smart enough! My past is so messed up! I am not... How many excuses can I come up with? One for every star in the sky. Sometimes, most of the time, it is best not to know.

"Her courage and her heart 

Will get her through the rest"

––Rachael

p.s.

My Pinterest page, in case you care to follow:

https://www.pinterest.com/givingmyall/