Today is a Gift

I have spent the last few days drowning myself in a mess of self-pity. I have probably thought "If only I could be well!" at least a thousand times. If only I could be well I could do my school. If only I could be well then I could actually take care of my body. If only I could be well it wouldn't hurt to walk.

If only I could be well, then I would be happy.

Yet just this morning I realized I was lying to myself. I bought the lie that the world tells me that if I just have (fill in the blank) I will be happy. But my happiness is not based on my current physical state. If this were so, I never would have been happy for the two and a half year of chemo. I would not have been happy when I suffered from anxiety. 

I was happy during those days. I had some of the best days of my life in between the doctor's visits and pain medication. I was happy. If this is so, then my happiness has nothing to do with where I am, and nothing to do with what I feel like. 

My happiness, my joy, is found in the Lord. 

I felt quite ungrateful when I understood this. I have not forgotten the days I prayed to be well enough to attend college. For the days I prayed for the money for school. For the days I wanted nothing more than to be done with chemo. And here I am, the place I said that if I could only get to, I would be happy. Wow, Rachael, you are so forgetful!

Today, like every day, is a gift from above. And I get to decide how I will spend it. Will I wallow in self-pity? Will I wish for the "one thing" that will make me finally happy?

Or will I be grateful? Will I rejoice for clouds and for sunshine? Will I frown because it is night? Or will I smile and look for stars? I can not choose where I am at physically, but I can choose joy. I can choose to say thank you for how far I have come. I can choose to remember that life is a journey, and if I won't be happy until "I get there" then I will be unhappy for the rest of my life.

This doesn't mean I can't be sad. This doesn't mean I can't cry or get mad or be depressed. It means that when the wave has passed I don't refuse to stand up out of the water. It means that I might have to ask for help, but I can overcome this. I do not walk this life alone.

I will not wait until I get better, I will be happy now.

My new normal is remembering that nothing in this life will make me "happy" as true joy is found only in the Lord.

-Rachael