The last few weeks have been tough ones for me. I decided not to tell you about it until it was over and I understood part of it myself.
First, there was a lot of pain. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I forced myself to act normal and carry on with life. But then one morning it got worse. I cried and sobbed and got a ride to the ER. They said it was nothing, they sent me home with medicine. For one week, I believed them.
Then it was back. Worse this time.
I went again. They did some scans. No cancer, praise the Lord. Just a gallbladder.
Just.
Just a surgery in the middle of the school year. Just a week of pain and no food. Just a few months of eating special food and not feeling well. Just.
So yesterday I had surgery.
Lord, when will it end? I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "well" again. At least not well as other people are. 80% of people who had childhood cancer suffer from long-term health effects. How silly I was to think I could find my way into the small 20%.
My roommate was good enough to move our room around so I wouldn't have to climb onto a top bunk. My professors were kind enough to tell me to take all the time I needed to get well. Everyone must bend over for me. Work life around me. It seems I will be on the "special" list everywhere I go. Everyone will know my name, but not because of something good.
God has shown his ever-present love in this. The girls on my hall gathered around me and prayed together for peace and healing on this. For a quick recovery and that I might get back to school soon.
Lord, if you can not hear me, at least hear them.
My new normal is harder to live some days and today is especially hard.
-Rachael
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