A New Dream

So, it is time you all know that Rapunzel is my favorite princess. From her spunky, adventurous personality, to her creative purple wearing tendencies, this girl speaks to my soul. I even dressed up as the brunette version of her last year and this year for Halloween. (Never pass up an opportunity to dress like a princess!)

The movie as several themes but one of them seems to be, "Have a dream, and be bold enough to go and live it." This plays out with Rapunzel wishing to go and see the "floating lights" and at last having the courage to do so.

I love finding bits of myself in other's stories, so when I saw a piece of my life in Rapunzel's life I did a happy dance on the inside. Okay, maybe on the outside too.

You see, when I was sick, all I could think about was getting better and going to school. I have been longingly staring out the windows in my life, wondering what it would be like to at last be well enough to go away to college. In this perfect dream, I would go to a private Christian college even though at the time I didn't think I could ever afford that. God actually shaped and allowed my dream to be realized in ways I didn't think were possible. 

He gave me a hope and a future.

He gave me my dream.

And now I am here, at college, and it is everything I thought it would be. More actually. I could not have orchestrated such a perfect place to complete my education. I could not have designed a better environment to live in. And I could not have dreamed of the passion God has instilled in my soul. 

I have my dream... Now what?

In the words of Flynn Rider, I get to go and find a new dream. And I have to tell you, this dream searching thing is both wonderful and terrifying. The possibilities are so endless I scare myself sometimes contemplating them all. The "what ifs" can go on forever. 

My new normal finds me in search of a new dream

-Rachael

Today is a Gift

I have spent the last few days drowning myself in a mess of self-pity. I have probably thought "If only I could be well!" at least a thousand times. If only I could be well I could do my school. If only I could be well then I could actually take care of my body. If only I could be well it wouldn't hurt to walk.

If only I could be well, then I would be happy.

Yet just this morning I realized I was lying to myself. I bought the lie that the world tells me that if I just have (fill in the blank) I will be happy. But my happiness is not based on my current physical state. If this were so, I never would have been happy for the two and a half year of chemo. I would not have been happy when I suffered from anxiety. 

I was happy during those days. I had some of the best days of my life in between the doctor's visits and pain medication. I was happy. If this is so, then my happiness has nothing to do with where I am, and nothing to do with what I feel like. 

My happiness, my joy, is found in the Lord. 

I felt quite ungrateful when I understood this. I have not forgotten the days I prayed to be well enough to attend college. For the days I prayed for the money for school. For the days I wanted nothing more than to be done with chemo. And here I am, the place I said that if I could only get to, I would be happy. Wow, Rachael, you are so forgetful!

Today, like every day, is a gift from above. And I get to decide how I will spend it. Will I wallow in self-pity? Will I wish for the "one thing" that will make me finally happy?

Or will I be grateful? Will I rejoice for clouds and for sunshine? Will I frown because it is night? Or will I smile and look for stars? I can not choose where I am at physically, but I can choose joy. I can choose to say thank you for how far I have come. I can choose to remember that life is a journey, and if I won't be happy until "I get there" then I will be unhappy for the rest of my life.

This doesn't mean I can't be sad. This doesn't mean I can't cry or get mad or be depressed. It means that when the wave has passed I don't refuse to stand up out of the water. It means that I might have to ask for help, but I can overcome this. I do not walk this life alone.

I will not wait until I get better, I will be happy now.

My new normal is remembering that nothing in this life will make me "happy" as true joy is found only in the Lord.

-Rachael

Some Days I Just Want to Hide

The last few weeks have been tough ones for me. I decided not to tell you about it until it was over and I understood part of it myself. 

First, there was a lot of pain. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I forced myself to act normal and carry on with life. But then one morning it got worse. I cried and sobbed and got a ride to the ER. They said it was nothing, they sent me home with medicine. For one week, I believed them.

Then it was back. Worse this time.

I went again. They did some scans. No cancer, praise the Lord. Just a gallbladder. 

Just.

Just  a surgery in the middle of the school year. Just a week of pain and no food. Just a few months of eating special food and not feeling well. Just.

So yesterday I had surgery.

Lord, when will it end? I have come to the conclusion that I will never be "well" again. At least not well as other people are. 80% of people who had childhood cancer suffer from long-term health effects. How silly I was to think I could find my way into the small 20%. 

My roommate was good enough to move our room around so I wouldn't have to climb onto a top bunk. My professors were kind enough to tell me to take all the time I needed to get well. Everyone must bend over for me. Work life around me. It seems I will be on the "special" list everywhere I go. Everyone will know my name, but not because of something good. 

God has shown his ever-present love in this. The girls on my hall gathered around me and prayed together for peace and healing on this. For a quick recovery and that I might get back to school soon.

Lord, if you can not hear me, at least hear them.

My new normal is harder to live some days and today is especially hard.

-Rachael