Fast and Slow. Good and Bad.

It blows my mind some days just how short a time good things take to happen. When You are in the dark place, it feels like it will never end. It was that way when I was sick. I wondered every hour of every day, "Will this ever be over?" 

Two years sounds like a long time. Sounds like a little eternity when speaking of, or living, bad stuff. And the longer the bad stuff goes on, the less and less hope I had that good stuff could ever possibly happen again. Or if it did, it could never make up for all the bad stuff.

But what if I considered good things? Is two years a long time to be married? No. Is two years a long time to attend a college? No. Is two years even a long time to live in one spot? Not at all. My new normal is slowly teaching me that the time for something to take, is irrelevant in the long run. Will it take me longer than normal to finish school? Maybe. But in the end I will still finish. Did I devote two years of my life to getting better? Mostly. But I did and learned a lot of other things in those two years as well. 

And so I need to rethink what I call "a long time." And just because it feels like a long time, doesn't always mean it is. And the good that comes after? I didn't think it could happen so fast! I need to remember such things next time I go through a "long" hard time in my life. My next dark phase might be brighter if I just remember that good things can happen just as quickly as bad things.

I need to look out for ways that I am growing and learning in my dark times too. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I do learn more in my dark times. I know I walk closer to God. I walk so close that some days I don't let go of his hand. Some days he carries me because I have not the energy to walk on my own. And it is those days I learn the most about myself and about God. We do a lot of talking on such days. 

Maybe it is the bad that helps me better understand the good? I wish there were an easier way to do that! I wish I did not have to walk through the valley of the shadow to enjoy the sun on the other side! But maybe I do. And if it must be so, I am glad I came to see it at the age of one and twenty.

-Rachael

New Chapter

I know I reference books a LOT by saying things like, "This is a new chapter in my life story," and I do this for two reasons. One: I love books, and two: it is the truest comparison I have ever found. When I read a fiction book, one chapter might find the character in a wonderful place surrounded by love. And the next chapter all hell has broken loose and the world is coming to an end.

My life has been like this. I had a normal, happy childhood for the most part. I had depression and anxiety in my early teens. Then, in my 18th year, I thought I had it all together. I loved my college classes, my part-time jobs were paying for everything, and I thought I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 

And then

Cancer.

That chapter of my life was way way way way way way to long. It was almost like a mini book within the story of my life. It was broken up into several sections or zones of my journey.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I now, at last feel like that chapter is over. I know I said that before, but maybe it is because I have at last started the next chapter. I am out of state, four and a half hours from home, at a college to finish my education. I am in the place I could only dream about two years ago.

I remember thinking, "I will never be done with cancer. I will never go off to school. I will never catch up with my friends." Such thoughts should not have been there. Oh, dear self, how I wish I could tell you how amazing your life will so soon be! How it was so worth the fight to be here! How you were not one bit homesick or sad when your mom left. You will only cried happy tears because today has come at last.

Happy tears are a great change.

The next chapter has begun with a smashing start.

-Rachael

Dear Self

Dear 19-year-old self,

I am so incredibly filled with joy these days that I can hardly breathe. I do not know how to describe it. I guess I never thought I could ever be this happy again. Not after cancer. Not after all of that pain. Not after all I went through in that 19th year of my life.

But old self, things do get so much incredibly better! As I said above, so much better! How, you ask? Well, you know all that pain you are in? I can not say it has gone away entirely, but I can tell you that it no longer controls your life. You will have bad days but your good days will more than make up for it. You won't even be on prescription pain meds in two years!

Now about your hair, darling, I am sorry you must go without until the end of October. But that dream you have now? That one about haveing hair for Christmas? It will come true. You will have a cute little cut. And don't despair when it starts to curl worse than a poodle and you can't do anything with it. The curl will grow out. And in just two years time, you will be able to put your hair up in your favorite hair style. And it will make you cry you are so happy.

Pills and chemo consume your life now, but not soon. In October, you will stop the real nasty stuff and most of your energy will come back. But don't get too frustrated when you are not all you think you can be for the year and a half after that. You are still fighting battles that nobody can see. Give yourself some peace and rest and don't push yourself too hard. The time to be better will come.

You told your mom just the other day that you, "might as well be dead," until your chemo was over. But that isn't true. You will do some awesome things. You will get to give a speech that will inspire others to fight cancer. And you will get to dress up like your favorite princess and have little girls follow you around all day.

And self? Some days you are going to want to give up. You will cry in despair and wish for it to end. You will think of the limbs of your body you would give up for it just to be over NOW. But you can't rush these things. Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. Pass the time how you can, knowing that it will be worth it. There is a life after cancer, dear one. And it is awesome.

-Rachael

Hello August

Our county fair always starts the last week of July and ends in the first week of August. I looked forward to it every year growing up because I was in 4-H and that meant we got to show off our projects at the fair. We also got to go on rides and eat fair food.

For me at least, the county fair was like the last good story of the summer before August became the bookend to my summer. August is when school starts (I still can not believe I am leaving in just two weeks!) August is when the warm weather cools down. August is the last chance to get that summer bucket list done.

Some people get sad around this time, but not me! For one, I really like fall. It has been my favorite season for as long as I can remember. But something special happened in the fall two years ago. 

My hair started growing back. I mark the anniversary every year with a grateful prayer. I just can't believe come October I will have had my hair back for two years! I felt like I was bald for ever. Then I felt like my hair was so short forever. And then I waited forever just to be able to do a pony tail! 

So the autumn season holds a notable place in my heart. Many see it as the ending but I now hold on to it close as a beginning. A beautiful start to my new "after cancer" life. Autumn was the end of a lot of pain for me. The end.

Yep. It is official. I love endings way more than beginnings!

-Rachael