I Have Come This Far

Guess what today is. Go on. Guess. Today is a year. One whole year.

A year ago today, I had my last spinal tap, my last chemo treatment, and my chest port was removed.

TADA!

Today was the day I decided I wanted to write a blog to help me figure out this what this whole "new normal" thing was all about. Here we are.

I can not express the joy vibrating from my soul. The realization hit me all at once about an hour ago and I haven't stopped smiling since.

I remember the day so well it is hard to believe it was a year ago. I ordered a big sign that said "I WON!" on it and took it with me to the hospital. I took pictures with every doctor, nurse, and family member in sight. I couldn't stop smiling then either.

I was so excited I was bouncing in the waiting room. I hadn't eaten or drank anything because of the surgery but that didn't bring down my energy level. I cried when I thanked my oncologist and nurse practitioner for all their hard work and love through this hard time.

I cried again when they led me into surgery. I hugged my mom and could hardly gasp out this words, "This is it! We are done!" The doctors said they have never seen someone so excited for surgery. I have never been so excited to be cut open in my whole life! Or really anything, actually. They were taking it out of me. They were removing the stupid port that gave me an ugly scar on my chest and forced me to sleep funny.

It was like being unplugged. Like some sort of invisible string had attached me to cancer and the port was the last thing holding me back.

I remember waking up, groggy, but happy. I lay in my drug addled bliss for who knows how long smiling dumbly at the tiled ceiling. It was over. It was done.

Few memories from my cancer days give me joy. I am so pleased I get to remember this one. It is fixed forever in my mind.

My new normal means looking back to see just how far I have come.

-Rachael

Birthday Update!

I just realized I have had a birthday and didn't update this page.

That is right beautiful people. I made it to 22!

Go out and eat some cake for me :)

-Rachael

Finding My Footing

I have been searching for a while, as this blog shows, to find just what my new normal is. I know it is not the same life I had before but just how it was different I have struggled with. I am still me on this side of cancer, after all. I still love reading, sunshine, and anything covered in glitter.

So what has changed? Well, just about everything, actually.

My entire outlook is different. Reading back on the past year of posts I can see myself trying to form that into words. How I look out these windows I call eyes has changed just as the view has. What my life is, was, and will be has altered all because I almost died.

Sometimes, when I am really happy, right in the middle of a laugh with friends or dancing in the rain or belting out my favorite song as it comes on the radio, I get sad. I get sad because I know it won't last. The sadness settles around my heart changes the way I see the moment.

I used to see this as a bad thing. I hated that even my lovely moments were being stolen from me. Didn't I deserve all the beautiful moments I could possibly find?

But then, perhaps it isn't really sadness that comes over me.

It is perspective.

I know bad, painful, hard times will come and it jabs like a knife. But in that moment, I am happy. That flash of perspective makes me laugh and dance and sing all the harder. Makes me grab onto the memory and hold tight with both hands. I will never let those moments go because I know how special they are.

Life can be very dark and painful; sunshine is a rare thing. I want to fill my days with as much sunshine as I can collect. And I want to share that sunshine with others. I want to laugh more and love deeper and speak all the kindness I can. My own darkness has made me realize that everyone is a little broken, everyone has shadows. I do not want to contribute to those shadows. I want people to remember me and think of sparkles. I want them to remember the time I made them laugh and the fun we had. I want them to know I am there for them when times get hard.

Finding my footing in this new normal means helping others find theirs. I don't have so much to bring to this life despite my cancer; I have so much to bring because of it. It sounds super cliche, I know, but I would not have seen the sunshine so well without the rain. And I certainly did not appreciate that sunshine so much as I should.

My new normal means helping others thrive as I am (slowly) learning to. Nobody should have to go through cancer just to live and love life to the fullest.

-Rachael