There have been exactly two times in my life that I wasn't sure I would make it. Not like die, but give up. Mentally or spiritually I would give up, or be forced to give up and that would be that. I would be exposed for the useless weakling that I am. The world would finally discover that I was only faking it the whole time. That I only looked strong. That I only seemed wise. The first time I felt this was during my battle with Leukemia. I survived that.
The second time was during my student teaching.
And yet, here I am. How about that? I not only survived. I graduated. Me. The shy, self-conscious, homeschooler walked into a high school for the first time and somehow got 150 9th-graders to learn something. And learn I did right along with them.
Student teaching is the second hardest thing I have ever done next to surviving cancer. There are so many different things I could say or ways I could describe student teaching. It was wonderful and horrible. It gave me confidence while making me feel stupid in every way. I could feel on top of it all one moment, and the next be humbled by a simple mistake. My students challenged me, pushed me to places I never thought I would go, and we all learned so much.
And yet I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing.
Four months of that was supposed to teach me all I needed to know? Sure the four years of college before that were helpful and all, but in the end, I had to face the reality that it is to be a school teacher. Nothing looks the same as it does on paper. Nothing works the way it is supposed to. If it works for one class it crashes and burns in another.
And here I am, standing here with my Bachelor's Degree, being shoved into the world and told, "Okay, here you go! Now you are ready to teach." And I stand, blinking in the bright reality of it all. And I have no idea what I am doing.
Now, I have been told all first-year teachers feel inadequate. That it is a struggle each and every day. And so maybe this is normal first-year jitters. Maybe nobody understands what is going on and what should happen.
As of right now I do not have my own classroom. I am living at home again and finishing up the paperwork to be a substitute teacher. It is hard to find a job in the middle of the year. I feel displaced and even more unsure. However, there is a part of me that says I did not get a permit teaching job yet because I am not supposed to stay here.
I know that may sound a little silly, and perhaps that is a subject for another blog, but I am just not secure in the idea of living around here, even in the Midwest, for the rest of my life. I used to think I would grow old and die in the area but I guess my heart has grown wings. Between flying out of the country for the first time last spring, living out of state for two years, working in still a different state for summer camp I have learned a few things about myself.
I have learned I can make friends with strangers, and it isn't as hard as I thought it would be. That a place can feel more like home when you love the people there. And that it is gonna be easier than I ever thought possible to leave my childhood home.
I have no clue where I am going, but my new normal is teaching me to be ready for the winds of change to come.
Happy New Year!
-Rachael
No comments:
Post a Comment