Five years ago I was told I had cancer. So it is time I wrote another letter to myself. Oh, if there were any way I could post it back in time, what a difference it would make. But I can't go back, only forward. So her is the open letter to 18-year-old me:
Dear 18-year-old Me,
So this week has sucked, right? Like more than the time you thought that boy like you but it turned out he didn't. Like more than when you couldn't see your best friend for a year because your parents were fighting over something you didn't understand. Like more than the time your friends laughed at the idea of you ever french-kissing (like sure you thought it was gross at the time but 15-year-old you could hope to french kiss later in life, right?).
Yep, this week blew that way out of the water, way off the radar; you can't even believe you were once upset about such trivial things. In fact, you are wishing something so trivial could bother you. You wish you could let spats with friends and misunderstandings of teenage hormones consume your mind, if even for a moment.
Because then you wouldn't have to think about cancer.
I wish I could warn you, dear one, that some of your hardest days are still yet ahead of you. And just when you think it is over, it won't be. Not yet. I wish I could save you the tears cried into your pillow at night, the pain of staring into the unknown.
But most of all, I wish I could tell you about today. About how five years later, so very much will be different. And the good kind of different, too. You will have fulfilled three lifelong dreams in the span of the past year. You will visit England, graduate college, and become a teacher. Yep, that is right. You. You who lie in bed and want it to be over. You who will suffer so much pain you will wonder if death would be kinder. You who will lose all of your hair, confidence, and sense of self.
You.
You will grow. You will find strength when you did not think there was any left. You will reach into your soul and discover something: God made you strong. Even when your legs tremble beneath you, you will stand tall. And you will reach for your dreams at last.
I can't promise easy, but I can promise worth it. Oh, so worth it.
sincerely, 23-year-old Me
My new normal taught me that when nothing is certain, everything is possible.
-Rachael
