How can I describe student teaching? It is like trying to drink out of a firehose. So many bits of information are being thrown at you and you are trying to absorb them all or at least keep them to think about later than you end up with a mess everywhere, soaking wet, and you never really got to swallow any of it.
Yep. That is student teaching.
Okay, that sounds bad. That sounds depressing. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep only to have dreams that are worse than reality. It is hard. Not going to lie. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Second only to cancer, I would say. And there were times when I wasn't sure I was going to make it. The fact that I still go to school everyday and have some sort of hope left in my soul tells me that I am supposed to be here. I am supposed to do this. If I wasn't, I would have left a long time ago because there are a lot of jobs that make a lot more money and have a lot less stress.
But they also have fewer rewards. It is worth so much to me to see kids get excited about reading. To see their eyes light up with excitement and pride when they accomplish something they never thought they could. I wouldn't trade that even for restful nights where I don't dream.
I am making it. My college has a more than tough educational program that requires a student teaching project that is above and beyond what any other college in the state asks for. None of the teachers I talked to have ever seen anything like it pre-graduate level.
And y'all, I passed.
I have never been so happy to get a B in all my life. Now it is just teaching. Teaching and learning and growing into a teacher that I want to be. I have learned so much. The best part has probably been to see my confidence grow. I was pretty terrified to be alone in the classroom before, now I love it. I love to have command of the room. I love it when 28 students hush when I speak. I love it more when they start hushing each other. I get to lead and I never thought it could feel so good.
I am a teacher. When did that happen? When did this awkward, homeschooled, cancer survivor from nowherevile even get the idea into her head that not only could she go to college out of state, but that she could conquer one of the hardest programs in a subject she knew nothing about? That's God. That's not me. I could never do that. I could never be where I am without him.
People tell me I am strong or smart or brave. Nah. If I am anything, it is because God works through me. He chose to use me for reasons I will never understand. Understand or not, here I am Lord. Send me.
Teaching is a calling. Only those who feel the call can follow through. And you have to be really stubborn. Maybe that is why God called me. I don't like to give up because giving up means admitting you were wrong. There is nothing I hate more.
Maybe that is why I became a teacher. Teachers are not allowed to give up.
My new normal has found me more confidence than I knew existed in my being.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
-Rachael
