Dear Self

Dear 19-year-old self,

I am so incredibly filled with joy these days that I can hardly breathe. I do not know how to describe it. I guess I never thought I could ever be this happy again. Not after cancer. Not after all of that pain. Not after all I went through in that 19th year of my life.

But old self, things do get so much incredibly better! As I said above, so much better! How, you ask? Well, you know all that pain you are in? I can not say it has gone away entirely, but I can tell you that it no longer controls your life. You will have bad days but your good days will more than make up for it. You won't even be on prescription pain meds in two years!

Now about your hair, darling, I am sorry you must go without until the end of October. But that dream you have now? That one about haveing hair for Christmas? It will come true. You will have a cute little cut. And don't despair when it starts to curl worse than a poodle and you can't do anything with it. The curl will grow out. And in just two years time, you will be able to put your hair up in your favorite hair style. And it will make you cry you are so happy.

Pills and chemo consume your life now, but not soon. In October, you will stop the real nasty stuff and most of your energy will come back. But don't get too frustrated when you are not all you think you can be for the year and a half after that. You are still fighting battles that nobody can see. Give yourself some peace and rest and don't push yourself too hard. The time to be better will come.

You told your mom just the other day that you, "might as well be dead," until your chemo was over. But that isn't true. You will do some awesome things. You will get to give a speech that will inspire others to fight cancer. And you will get to dress up like your favorite princess and have little girls follow you around all day.

And self? Some days you are going to want to give up. You will cry in despair and wish for it to end. You will think of the limbs of your body you would give up for it just to be over NOW. But you can't rush these things. Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. Pass the time how you can, knowing that it will be worth it. There is a life after cancer, dear one. And it is awesome.

-Rachael